Dustin: Hi, you've reached "Spoiler Warning"... we can't come to the column right now, but if you leave your name and email, we'll get back to you as soon as we've sobered up.

DJ: BEEE... uh... BEEEP!

Dustin: Wait, did that record okay? I don't think I pressed the right button.

DJ: Waiwaiwai... wait... Lemme check... What button???

Dustin: The red one! Asshole!

DJ: The red asshole??? ... Gah. Heck with this.

Dustin: You're right, we should just do the column -- it'd be easier than figuring out these instructions.

DJ: Yeah, we'll do our funny answering machine message later. So, Young Sherlock Holmes, eh? Who picked this?

Dustin: Some fucking reader that cast the winning vote, propelling it past Dune. When I find you, reader, you will pay. I swear it.

DJ: There is a difference between Young Sherlock Holmes and Dune, and it is that... Dune SUUUUUUCKS. Didn’t you like Young Sherlock Holmes?

Dustin: Not as much as I liked Dune.

DJ: Well, there's surely a debate there, but comparing Young Sherlock Holmes to Dune is like... comparing Young Sherlock Holmes to Dune.

Dustin: Anyway, yeah, I liked it.... but it ain't got Kyle McLaughlin, Patrick Stewart, or a score by Toto.

DJ: True... But it does have... uh... uh... people. Well, shit, it has... shit, Brian Cox's son plays Young John Watson!

Dustin: Big "who cares."

DJ: Wow. Oh! The guy who played Truman Capote in the Truman Capote movie that wasn't Capote is in it!

Dustin: Eh... you're never, ever going to sell me on the casting aspects. Before we delve deeper, you wanna take a run at a summary? I'd do it, but you'd just get "This is the very firstest adventure that Sherlock Holmes and Watson ever had. Ever."

DJ: Yeah... I mean, that's about it. It's basically "Sherlock Holmes Begins." It's one of those origin stories that is really into explaining where every little thing came from: the coat, the hat, the pipe, the loner attitude-- all of it. It's not based on one of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's stories and says so up front. It's just an amusing "what if"? Basically, schoolboy Watson is new in school where he meets schoolboy Holmes. There are all sorts of characters -- it's basically a Hogwarts without the magic, but, of course, there's a mystery. It's a really fun pulpy thing about past connections, trippy deaths, and a cult. Holmes, of course, has to figure out what no one else can. But... oh... it comes at a price.

Dustin: A price measured in shillings?

DJ: In... HUMAN LIFE! In... FRIENDSHIP! In... THE ONE TRUE LOVE!!!

Dustin: That was really a dumb comment on my part. I'll get back on track with my initial line of thought in that I liked this movie better when it was called Harry Potter and the Temple of Doom Begins Meet Dark Helmet. Now, that actually makes sense when you break it down:

DJ: Of course... this came before three out of four of those -- which is kind of the surprise! I mean, it really reminded me of Hogwarts, but I guess that's the old timey English long striped scarf wearing vibe. Actually... I don't get the Dark Helmet part.

Dustin: Shut up and learn: The guy who wrote it would go on to direct the first two Harry Potter films, so of course there's familiarity there; I'm just looking at it backward. The hoity-toity executive producer was that Spielberg guy, and Temple shot just a little before this, which might explain why certain bits seemed to be an exact recreation of THAT, the idea that you can kill people with hallucinations is grossly explored in Batman Begins and the "Dark Helmet" thing is of course a Spaceballs reference in that the mysterious assassin's mask gives him/her a comically giant head. Seriously, it's Dark Helmet in profile.

DJ: It’s interesting that, while this movie was basically a flop, it seems to have maybe inspired, maybe even a leeeeetle bit, some big time movies in it's wake. Or maybe it's just coincidence.

Dustin: Anyhow, like you’ve already said, this film came before three of those, so that's just an interesting curiosity, but the Temple thing is just painfully, obviously, and cheaply copied.

DJ: Funny Temple of Doom related bit of trivia I found on the internerd, in Britain, this was apparently retitled Young Sherlock Holmes and the Pyramid of Fear!

Dustin: Seriously, man. That more than anything else detracted from the film, which I was actually enjoying up to that point. Well, except for the cast. Didn't like 'em. 'Specially the chick that played Elizabeth Hardy.

DJ: Really? I thought they were all swell, though Holmes was... well... if this were made today, he'd be much, much prettier.

Dustin: Yup. Just how you like 'em.

DJ: Word. Still, I did think they were all fine and charming in their parts. Oddly enough, I'm with you on the whole cleaned up version of Temple of Doom cult thing -- my least favorite part of the movie. I love all the clues as to how he ended up so stoic and cold with the wacky outfit and all that, but the actual "plot" of the movie is my least favorite part.

Dustin: Yeah, it's pretty gimpy. I will go on record as saying that I really did enjoy some of the finer elements of the story, and that I thought the character development, on the universal scale, was pretty good.

DJ: Right on. I agree. I also enjoyed the effects -- from the old school claymation and anamatronic tripping to the, I believe, first CG character, which was done, oddly enough, by Pixar. Actually, the whole making people trip balls till they die idea was fun and allowed for the movie to have "monsters" and cool effects while not completely bastardizing the "realistic" world of Sherlock Holmes.

Dustin: There was one scene that I though was a particularly clever, and it actually reminded me of you.

DJ: Oh, sir, do tell. Do tell!

Dustin: I just thought about this, and it's kind of mean spirited... but oh well! When Watson is under the influence of the toxin, and his nightmare is that pastries come to life and start force-feeding themselves to him? That was a funny bit of character exploration. And it made me think of you in terms of wondering if you had dreams about burritos tossing themselves into your mouth as a kind of ritual sacrifice.

DJ: Ha ha! Yeah... that was one of my favorite bits. I do love how, you know, the actor playing Watson isn't really FAT, but he's almost always eating. Hope that actor doesn't have an eating disorder now because of this damn flick.

Dustin: Like how that one chick who got raped by a tree in The Evil Dead allegedly went insane?

DJ: Oh, I didn't know that.

Dustin: Well, that's what I heard.

DJ: Then, yeah, kinda like that! Damn. That's my least favorite Evil Dead moment, but back to Young Sherlock Holmes, it really entertained me, and the very end is just a clever, clever twist. I think that, if this movie had made money, there would've been some fun sequels. It also was ahead of its time on the prequel train.

Dustin: The end was a clever twist? I saw it coming halfway though the film, man.

DJ: Well, I remembered it from when I was a kid, but... (put your spoiler ear muffs on, readers-- though you should know what you're getting into from the column title)... Why would you see that Holmes's fave teacher was Moriarty coming halfway through the movie? His name isn't Moriarty. I don't think there's anything in the books about Moriarty being half Egyptian or whatever, either. Where's your empirical evidence, sir?

Dustin: Wait, where did you get that? Seriously? I missed that entirely. Wait, no... Moriarty was roughly Holmes's age, wasn't he?

DJ: Oh! Say... you didn't keep watching after the credits did you? Holy smokes, man!!!!!

Dustin: No, I didn't.... and obviously missed something.

DJ: Yeah. During the whole end credits, they follow a carriage trotting along, and, if you're just kind of half watching, you just assume it's Holmes going to his bro Mycroft's place... but it stops at a hotel kinda cottage, you follow someone inside, and when he checks in, he signs his name as Moriarty. Then it reveals Rathe, and he cocks his eyebrow at the camera.

Dustin: Oh, yeah, I missed that... oddly enough, I actually DID have that suspicion during the film, but thought that when Rathe went under the ice after the fight (ANOTHER Batman Begins element!) that he was really dead. I need to start listening to my nagging suspicions more carefully.

DJ: Yes... that whole ice fight-- shit, are David Goyer and Christopher Nolan closet Young Sherlock Holmes fans? This whole flick is VERY Batman Begins (though vice versa). Whoa. My mind's blowin' up here!

Dustin: I'm beginning to think that Young Sherlock Holmes is like a Freemason of films -- it's sitting there quietly manipulating and influencing all this other stuff.

DJ: Ha ha! I like it. Good show, Grovemiller! ... Ahem. So, uh... before you make the joke that I should be Watson because I'm the fat one (to which I'd argue I’m also taller with a big nose, and... uh...)-- Anyway, do we still do the ratings thing? Like, however many out of five pipes or whatever?

Dustin: Oh, sure... we can do that. I'll go three for five on this one.

DJ: I go for 3.5 -- it's not a great film by any means, but I have a lot of nostalgia for this sumbitch, and it was a treat that, even after all those shitty years, I still enjoyed it.

Dustin: Still not as good as Dune.

DJ: MY NAME'S A KILLING WORD!!!!!!!! Now where's nearly naked greased up Sting hiding... ?

Dustin: Of course you'd focus on the naked, greased up Sting.

DJ: How can you not??? It's so awkward and creepy and, okay, beautiful, but still... dude, fuck Dune. Fuck it! ... Oh, hi readers. Sorry, we're actually done with the “Spoiler Warning.” You should move on to reading something else at the footnote (link back to the homepage?) now. Thanks for your time!