Melancholy stands in front of a class of second graders.

"Hey. My name is Melancholy. I'll be your substitute today."

He stares at them. They stare at him.

"Wow. I've made a huge mistake here."

He takes out a piece of chalk and starts writing on the board.

"What are you guys? Seven? I can't remember -- when do kids start reading? Are you little turnips literate?"

Most of the kids raise their hands.

"Okay. I don't even know what I'm writing. I'm just gonna make shit up."

Melancholy draws a picture of a kangaroo. Standing back to look at it, he says, "God that sucks. It's either a kangaroo or a turd, I can't tell which."

He tries to remember any history info he can share.

"Um... God, 20 years of education, and all I can remember is that Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin. That's it. That's all I got. Oh! And the mitochondria...it's 'the powerhouse of the cell.' Write that down. The mitochondria will completely fuck you up. It's crazy that way."

He looks at the clock. Class started at 8:00 AM; it's now 8:05 AM.

"Fuck! Five minutes?! Oh, that is wrong. How do you kids make it through an entire day of this crap?"

Melancholy collapses into a chair, takes a bottle of Colt 45 out of his suitcase, and starts drinking. "Hoo, man. Kids? Any takers? Anyone? Okay then. Yeah, stick to your little juice boxes. This shit'll make you fat."

He looks at the clock. It's 8:06 AM.

"Jesus Christ. *sigh* Your teacher is out with one of those quick little stomach bugs; she should be back tomorrow. Wait, let me rephrase that: she will be back tomorrow. She can have diarrhea squirting out of both, ears and I'll still drag her back here if that's what it takes."

The kids giggle at the word diarrhea.

"Hey, I found the level of my audience. What do you say we start recess early and just keep the party going all day?"

He proceeds to take a six-hour nap on the teacher’s desk. The kids run around in circles, scream like maniacs, and throw shit at one another. At the end of the day, Melancholy fills out a time sheet, steals several bags of coffee from the teachers' lounge, and goes home.

The end.