001. My species, which generally has ten fingers, has, in more than one culture, decided it was a good idea to learn to count by dozens. And still do it.

002. The United States is now on its secondpresident with the same name as something highly sought after in the movies Porky's and Animal House.

003. Because apparently we didn't learn our lesson with a president named "Dick."

004. American chocolate, which is technically bean-flavored cheese.

005. American cheese, which is technically casein-based glue. Colored orange.

006. Healthy food is food that grows out of manure-covered ground, comes out of the innards (or off the backsides) of animals, or out of water that fish pee and poop in.

007. Unhealthy food is food that is basically assembled from its component molecules in a supervised and sterile environment.

008. Peeps. I don't care how sterile they are.

009. The pollen count in Atlanta right about now.

010. Sunblock lotion and tanning beds. Used by the same people.

011. More than 75 different ways to die that can only be classified as Death by Vanity. Including tanning beds.

012. Chuck Shepherd, the News of the Weird guy, keeps having to retire entire categories of things that are no longer weird enough to be worth mention in his syndicated column.

013. There have been 65 categories retired so far.

014. And another thing: Reality shows.

015. Scripted ones.

016. With Ron Jeremy in them.

017. And Tammy Faye Baker.

018. Don't lie. You saw it.

019. That was the one with Vanilla Ice and Eric Estrada in it.

020. Also, "You know what time it is."

021. Suicide isn't an extreme sport yet.

022. At least, not technically.

023. Nearly everyone on earth who has access to a television has seen panda bears fuck.

024. With or without the "boom-chicka-wow-wow" soundtrack.

025. Some people masturbate to that shit.

026. With or without the "boom-chicka-wow-wow" soundtrack.

027. Also, some of those people consider chugging two bottles of Robitussin in a row, listening to Nick Cave CDs, and playing driving games on their game consoles a sufficiently wild weekend.

028. And those people are allowed to buy chainsaws, not to mention handguns and rifles.

029. And run for office.

030. You have to register with your pharmacist to buy ten pills with pseudoephedrine in them.

031. While you can still buy a handful of whatever those pills are that keep truckers awake whenever you feel like it.

032. God bless 'em, those truckers. Spending a couple of bucks every five hundred miles or so to stay awake just so as to not kill us all on the highway as we commute to work.

033. I'd feel better if those things were sold in airports for the benefit of the pilots.

034. But no, they have to by methamphetamines on the street, just like the rest of us.

035. God bless 'em.

036. Microsoft Word's spellchecker flags pseudoephedrine as possibly misspelled, while methamphetamines is in their built-in dictionary.

037. God bless 'em.

038. Explains the quality of the software though, doesn't it?

039. My God, Brooklyn Brewery's Black Chocolate Stout is potent. On an empty stomach.

040. Or maybe it's just interacting strangely with the Loratadine I just washed down with my beer to counteract the histamine reaction I'm having from the pollen invasion in my sinuses.

041. Really, I don't mind all the trees having sex right now. I just wish they'd leave me out of it.

042. Because I'd rather not be fucked in the head. Specifically, up the nose.

043. Maybe I should just chug a couple of bottles of Robitussin.

044. And buy a chainsaw.

045. And run for office.

046. And masturbate to videos of panda bears fucking… ?

047. Man, I love Björk.

048. Those Icelanders, you know? They have this delicacy that involves burying a chunk of a shark and coming back a few months later and eating it.

049. But it's okay, because decaying shark flesh produces urea, which effectively pickles it.

050. Um. That means it's basically pickled in pee.

051. Yeah, I'd probably try some anyway.

052. Even sober.

053. Because when you're a writer, you'll voluntarily saunter through Hell (or at least Heck) if it'll give you material to write about.

054. And boy, can I tell just you, that seriously improves your quality of life.

055. As much as, perhaps, trying to write for a living.

056. I mean, you may as well get used to the flavor of food pickled in pee.

057. God bless those Icelandic people. They must be awesome writers. You've heard of the Eddas, right? Snorri Sturluson and that lot? Makes sense now, doesn't it?

058. Astrology is still pretty popular. Hitler was into it. In fact, Churchill ran Hitler's charts just so he could guess better what he was up to.

059.That didn't keep Ronald and Nancy Reagan from consulting astrologers regularly.

060. In terms of Eastern astrology, this year is the Year of the Pig.

061. Fire pig.

062. And to me, that means barbecue. Not that I'm trying to be disrespectful of other people's beliefs and superstitions and whatnot.

063. Barbecuing, while also traditionally involving burying dead animals and coming back for them later, involves no urea at all.

064. Which means writers should probably stay the hell away from it, but what the heck.

065. See, the principal difference between Icelandic writers and Southern writers is we pickle in bourbon instead of pee.

066. We're also a bit less heavy-handed with the fire giant/frost giant business. Our apocalypses tend to be smaller in scale.

067. STELLA!!

068. None of this wolf eating the moon bullshit.

069. Besides, all of those Norse legends involving the giants? Those are based on finding dinosaur skeletons and being quite understandably freaked the fuck out.

070. Except for those legends of giants based on four-foot-tall Picts meeting six-foot-tall Norse guys.

071. And the measure of a foot being based on, well, the length of one's foot.

072. That also explains the legends of the "wee folk." And, in this case, "wee" has very little to do with urine, thankfully.

073. Anyway. I certainly wish the crap that most people have to put up with in order to earn enough money to live on was a joke.

074. Corporate break-room coffee, for instance.

075.It's more merciful to let people fall asleep at their desks. Unless you care to distribute packets of whatever that stuff is that keeps truckers awake.

076. And then there's the commute. You're way more likely to die in a car wreck involving a sleepy trucker than from, say, smoking marijuana.

077. But guess which one is illegal: cars or marijuana?

078. Also, sexual harassment is a lot less likely from a marijuana cigarette than from your boss or coworkers.

079. But ask which is more likely to send someone to jail.

080. Even if you're white.

081. Don't get me started on that. I'm actually pink, and "white" covers around three hundred races and cultures.

082. Are you still here? Don't fret. The end is in sight.

083. Hollywood won't be satisfied until every bad comic book on earth is turned into a movie.

084. Because the good comics are too hard to translate into movies, regardless of basically coming with free storyboards.

085. While I'm on the topic: Ben Affleck.

086. Also, you can't head-butt people who sit next to you at the bar who talk shit and won't shut up.

087. Unless you can make it look like an accident.

088. And that's tough to do even when you're sober.

089. Unless you can provoke a fight between the annoying guy and the even drunker guy on the other side of him.

090. Who's a sleep-deprived trucker.

091. God bless him.

092. Who apparently used to be paid to kill people, like, in the military.

093. And now, basically, you have to pay him to not kill people.

094. Because once you get the taste for it….

095. Anyway. You know what else I wish was a joke? Spoken Word Open Mic Nites.

096. Because you can't dignify that sort of thing with the correct spelling of "night."

097. In fact, dignity itself is pretty much out of the question.

098. Other candidates: "Chat speak."

099. Spoken out loud in public. OMG. WTF?

100. Deadlines.

101. This article.