As your guide through the cubicle jungle, I try to make you, beloved readers, aware of your surroundings and how to survive 40 hours a week of potential death, dismemberment, and paper jams. It isn't always easy, but it's a job that I feel compelled by the baby Hay-Zeus to complete. So take notes, for this may well save your life!

Of the many dangerous creatures in this "paid" prison, none are as vicious, devious and just downright evil as the Email Evader (Emailicus Evadus). This rare but deadly beast is the master of passing off work with a deftly placed,

Humberto,

I think this should be under your job description. If not, just email me back and let me know. It's due to the boss by 4:30.

Thanks a bunch,

Evil McNasty,

(Timestamp- 4:17 PM)

This in and of itself may seem harmless. "He said if it's not poor illegal Humberto's job that he can just say so, right?" TOO WRONG YOU WOULD BE, DEAR NAÏVE AND SOON TO BE DEAD IF YOU DON'T PAY ATTENTION READERS!!!! For after this mighty harbinger of doom sent aforementioned email, he sprinted for the door, leaving the proverbial ball in the hands of our poor little Humberto!

Friends, this maljubilant ruffian will leave early, run errands, even take vacations to assure that Humberto receives a nice shiny "out of office" notice when he hits that send button to let them know that this is not, in fact, Humbuerto’s job.

Let us look at our noble bosses as the cat chasing the mouse. They don't care who got the mouse in the first place; they care who has it in his or her fat little hands when they come for it. Humberto, my lovelies, is surely headed back to where he came from on a one way ticket!

Fortunately for you, dears, I intend to tell you a few methods with which you may avoid the fate of poor Humberto and send this assignment avoiding anarchist back to the fiery depths from whence he (or I suppose she) came!

1. Know thine enemy. Email Evaders are clever, but they are redundant. After being once bitten by this insidious insect, you will know his strike. Should you be foiled by an unfair workload from "Simon" once, you may rest assured he will do it again. Study him. If "Simon" starts packin' it up at 3:45, put your out of office notice up. If he starts to walk towards your desk, pick up your phone handset. Once he comes within earshot you must repeat this phrase, EXACTLY: "No sir boss, I don't know where Simon is. He seems to have packed up to leave early, but if I see him, I'll tell him you need that information PRONTO!" If this doesn't work, you have a serious predator on your hands, and you'll have to move on to step two.

2. Trade Spaces. Let’s face it, compadre: this pernicious python has a strike zone, and you’re squaw in the center of it. Immediately find a friend or neighbor who is a doctor and will work for booze. Offer doc a sweet, sweet 40 of Natty Light to declare you allergic to the cherry blossoms right outside your window. (Oh wait, that’s right, the only thing keeping a wombat from doing your job is opposable thumbs, you have no window, allow me to backtrack…) Bring forth a note to yon supervisor declaring yourself highly affected by the asbestos located above thine cube. State, within earshot of that foolishly smiling human resources lady in the matchy matchy suit that it is “unfair business practice” for you to have to work in these conditions and that you must relocate to the other, newer side of the building. The next time Mr. Simon looks for a chump, that chump won’t be you, brosef; it will most likely be a temp too young to buy beer for an unethical yet helpful MD.

3. If you’re female, get married. Sorry, dudette, but it’s the fastest way to change your name. If you’re a guy, claim that you’ve found out your father, the butt rapist, is out of prison and that you need to hide your identity. Go by Seamus McClanahan. Unless you happen to be related to Blanche from The Golden Girls. Then this name will be entirely redundant. Should that be the case, and you really need me to take you by the hand on this one, change your name to Sparky IronFists. It sounds cooler. The corporate world works off one big wheel, and, chum, the hamster is dead. You can pretty much guarantee that your email is LastNameFirstInitial@ThisShitSucks.com. When your name changes, so will your email. Simon says he’s screwed, and you’re home free.

4. Move from prey to predator. Sometimes this maniacal minx that we call the email evader is actually clever enough to work around all of these ingenious hints that you have been lucky enough to glean from the 20/20 vision of my mind’s generous eye. In this case, you must move on to catching the hunter in the bear trap. Sure, it's dirty pool, but you'll have to schedule a lot of what managers like to call "in-house trainings sessions" or perhaps even "seminars." Most Email Evaders won't believe that you're willingly sitting through hours of boring training. Who would? You'd have to be crazy! Crazy like a FOX, friends. In order to further avoid work, our lazy but demonic creature of the cubicles will take sick days and even vacations. Wait out the few measly days a year that the corporate machine gives him, and he's as good as sunk, leaving you to return to your “Dilbert” reading and excessive bathroom breaks.