8:02 Arriving surprisingly on timeish. Also arriving surprisingly well dressed in a gray sweater, black skirt, and matching tall gray heels with rounded toe. Hair up, very 1940s school teacher…in a black and white movie… Maybe one who changes lives and remains firm, yet tender. Coworkers not yet present. Not terribly surprised. Having had to be at work for two minutes now, the iPod is immediately necessary. It’s a shuffle kind of day. (Isn’t everyday?)

8:05 Removing stylish, yet surprisingly uncomfortable, heels. Reading email, still pretending to be a 1940s teacher… who was sent to the future to figure out email. “The Tale of Mr. Morton” comes on the iPod. Strangely appropriate for time traveling fake teachers.

10:22 Reading the footnote. (Yes, really.) Deciding to email essay regarding beating the shit out of video game controllers to beloved hubby to shamelessly mock him for his questionable behavior during intense sessions of Call of Duty 3. Accidentally printing said article instead and, having removed uncomfortable shoes (see “8:05”), have to throw them back on. Also have to toss off ear buds, discarding "Bang Bang" by Nancy Sinatra and make a break for the company printer. In heels. That may be on the wrong feet.

10:22 1⁄2 Jogging to Copier/Printer combo with discombobulated footwear. Arriving at aforementioned printer and grabbing copies self importantly, using Jedi mind tricks to assure other busy copiers (the people, not the products) that I am currently printing out the key to saving the company millions. Side note: The article printed funny, and the words were cut off on the right hand side. Not cool if I’d really intended to print it. End side note.

10:23 Arriving back at the Workstation of World Domination. Can you really dominate the world while listening to music, eating kettle korn, and reading the footnote with your shoes off instead of working? What Would Napoleon Do? Probably sit on a phonebook to see the computer screen. *snicker* I digress…

10:24 Still getting over my stupid Napoleon joke. Discovering that ear bud flew into glass of water during previous accidental printing incident. Now listening to “Total Eclipse of the Heart” with soggy right inner ear. That’s how Bonnie Tyler would have wanted it. Fielding appointments from coworkers anxious to know what I printed out to save the company millions. Humbly declining appointments while making a note to tone down my mad Jedi skeeeells.

10:43 Editing previous notes to make myself appear wittier. Feeling somewhat uninspired to be funny by “New York Minute.” Wondering if Don Henley knows how to laugh. Noting that it doesn’t feel like Friday. Also noting that might be because Monday was a holiday, I took Tuesday and Wednesday off and left early on Thursday.

11:00 Still wondering if Don Henley knows how to laugh. Gently head bobbing to “Stacy’s Mom” while trying to look like I’m merely affirming the brilliant things that I’m putting into an email.

11:15 Pasting and editing in Microsoft Paint. Trying to get Napoleon picture from Google to fit on phonebook. Confirming that Don Henley doesn’t indeed laugh due to lack of laughing pictures in 34 pages of Google images. Settling for pleasantly smiling Henley at the height of his Eagles looniness. (And the height of his hair.) Fiddling with sitting vs. standing Napoleons and sizes. How small is funny? How small is too small to see? Inspired by “Battle Without Honor or Humanity.”

11:30 Still in Paint. Wondering why more Doors songs couldn’t be like “Touch Me.” Making Henley, Don at least three times the size of tiny Napoleon.

12:00 Doing actual work. Having no one to blame but myself for not escaping it. Those days off made me weak! Slightly encouraged by “The Toxic/Yeah Remix.” Who would have thought Britney, Usher, Lil’ John, and Luda could make such beautiful music whilst never being in the same room? Actually, that’s probably exactly how it was possible. Bored to tears with “work.”

1:00 Deciding never to wear a skirt again. I almost peed on it. Side note: Don’t ask. End side note. I got it caught on my chair arm. Same side note. Fashion is a dangerous game, and I’m playing without a helmet. Feeling like one of those whiny emo kids due to “Mad World.”

1:05 Obeying rumbling stomach. Entreating hubby to “hustle his ass” up to work so I can take advantage of popcorn chicken and fries Friday. Listening to "Wonderboy" while waiting, wishing I were high above the mucky muck.

2:10 Catching a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror. 1940s time traveling teacher who saves the company millions has turned into frumpy lava-lamp-esque sweater girl.

2:11 Changing my 3:00 - 3:30 elliptical to 3:00 - 3:45 on the sign up sheet. Planning to do an hour instead, regardless of the well documented and posted fitness room rules and regulations. Lava-lamp-esque Sweater Girl must not be victorious!

2:45 Gathering an unsuspecting coworker to work out with. It’s for practical reasons, really. I could die from the exertion, especially as I am now pumped up by “The Irish Pub Song.”

2:50 Deciding I like my body the way it is. Why do they make workout machines so complicated?

2:55 Trying to maintain consciousness. Working out is for people in unitards who love smiling. What would “Karen by Night” do?

3:45 Asserting that I am the master of the elliptical. Also asserting that I’m the master of managing to be away from my desk for an hour.

4:00 Reevaluating my title. I am now the master of managing to be away from my desk for an hour and fifteen minutes because I had to shower. YEAH, BITCHES!

4:05 Plotting with previously discussed coworker to escape 25 minutes early. Taking points away from my generalized “Master of All” title for actually having "Blue (Da Ba Dee)" on my iPod. Frowny face to my musical tastes. Shutting down my computer, making furtive glances (mostly for my own amusement), and running for the door. Exeunt!