Dear Miss Biscuit,
I'm 30, and I haven't been in a relationship in almost a year and a half. The problem is... that it's not a problem. Relationships seem like a big hassle to me. I haven't ever had one that in the end was worth my time, and I don't feel inclined to go questing for another one. I'm happy the way that I am, and I'm happy being alone. In fact, I'm a lot more sad and angsty if I'm actively pursuing someone... If someone I liked asked me out, I wouldn't decline, but I don't think it's my mission to go wrangle me a new Somebody.
I guess the real problem is that I keep hearing from other people that I should have someone, that I am Missing Out if I do not find my One Great Love. They accuse me of throwing in the towel, and in one particularly irritating example, say things like "If you didn't eat your vegetables, dessert wouldn't taste sooooo good." My point is that dessert isn't better than vegetables... it's different from vegetables, and that should be OK.
This is a problem for two reasons... one, it gets on my nerves. Two, it makes me wonder if everybody is really right and I am really wrong, since everybody keeps saying the same thing over and over.
What say you?
A Crazy Cat Lady
Dear Cat Lady,
You're not crazy! The fact that you are happy being single is a very healthy attitude. By focusing on things other than a romantic relationship, you are able to know yourself better, to build community in the form of friendships, and to explore interests and adventures without having to "run it by" someone first.
By spending this time getting to know your true self, when and if you do meet someone worth dubbing a Big Love, s/he will be completely worth your time and effort. People who simply feel they need to be in a relationship often idealize their relationship, not seeing the fatal flaws until it is too late.
How many of those people who tell you you're missing out are truly happy? It sounds like, for some reason, your happiness with single life makes them feel threatened. Instead of listening to their "advice," you should regale them with stories about staying out late with friends, going around with no makeup on, and spending all that quality time with your cat.
Love,
Ms. B.
P.S. People who think that 30 is anywhere near spinster-aged these days is mental. Do they ask you about your dowry, too?
***
Dear Miss Biscuit,
Why do women play mind games? Not to suggest that you do, but why do women say they’ll call and don’t, tell you they aren’t interested but tell their friends they are, play hard to get, and tell you that nothing’s wrong when something is obviously bothering them? Why do they stop calling when I mention my penchant for crustaceans? What’s wrong with honesty? Is it totally dead, or what?
Best,
Biscuit Minion #4244234
My Dearest #4244234,
Why did you suggest that I wouldn’t play mind games? Are you implying that I’m not a woman?! Are you saying that I’m mannish? Does this advice column make me look fat?!? I thought you loved me, you pig!
Er…sorry about that. I’m all better now.
I hate to break it to you, Four-Two (I can call you four-two, can’t I?), but honesty has never been a major player in the mating game. The early stages of romantic relationships are based entirely on subterfuge and deception. In the end, we’re not too far off from the days of sneaking up behind one another with clubs and dragging each other by the hair.
Nobody wants to know that you snore, sneeze, fart and burp on the first date. Sure, everyone does it, but dating is partly about fantasy, and who fantasizes about burping? People want to see the best of what you have to offer, right up front, so that they can decide if it’s worth having you hog the covers for the next few years. Men and women alike play the cat-and-mouse game to gauge interest and to figure out if they even like you. You might have seemed really interesting on the first date, but the revelation of your ten-year-running D&D campaign put her off.
It sounds like you need to be a better salesman. Think of yourself as a product. You have to convince this woman that you’re perfect for her. Keep up the mask for a while, and by the time she finds out what a tool you are she’ll already be committed to the relationship.
You probably shouldn’t bring up the fact that you like to do it while wearing a lobster suit until at least the seventh date. Though the “Crusty” community may accept you as you are, a woman who passes as a member of mainstream society may not feel open to dipping your tail in butter sauce. Actually, come to think of it, I met this nice whelk at dinner the other night…
Ms. B.
P.S. Are you the brunette with the lisp or the bodybuilder with the Chihuahua? It’s so hard to keep track of my minions these days.
