DJ: Word. You start it up... I'm drinking.

Dustin: Are you seriously?

DJ: Just cracked open a Guinness. I'm not doing it seriously, though. I’m doing it frivolously.

Dustin: Okay, mostly because I once casually mentioned that I'd never seen it, we're devoting an entire “Spoiler Warning” to Die Unendliche Geschichte!

DJ: Translate for our American readers!

Dustin: The Life And Times of Erin Gray.

DJ: Bih dee bih dee bih-deep.

Dustin: This was a fantastic little German art film, and I'm happy to say I was thrilled that they worked in that cabaret footage of her from her formative years.

DJ: I was just glad they got her in a skintight white jumpsuit again. That's a future I want to live in.

Dustin: All in all, it was a treat. I'd recommend that anyone from our age group see this remarkable film.

DJ: Unfortunately, it's only available in your imagination.

Dustin: I kind of wish we WERE going to spend the entire length of this piece talking about Erin Gray. Or at least Buck Rogers in general (or even Silver Spoons!), but... for those of you that don't speak Deutsch -- I have fooled you. We're really here to talk about The NeverEnding Story a Wolfgang Petersen adaptation of the novel by Michael Ende. You, the reader, are undoubtedly aware of this film. Even if just because you've heard the awesome theme song.

DJ: It IS the movie. With or without the rest of Kajagoogoo, Limahl RULES!

Dustin: Can I just start talking about all the other films of the same ilk that I enjoyed SO MUCH MORE than this one? The Dark Crystal, anyone?

DJ: I dunno... as a kid I definitely would've picked The NeverEnding Story, but I haven't seen The Dark Crystal as an adult, so who knows?

Dustin: The only thing that NeverEnding Story has over The Dark Crystal is an appearance by Major Dad. Gerald McRaney represent!

DJ: He was good in this. And I have a soft spot for bald, mustachioed men. How can you get MANLIER than that? Only MEN can properly grow a mustache. Only MEN naturally go bald (usually). It's a manly one-two punch.

Dustin: Verily, he is a man's man. But not enough of a man's man to make this film work for me. Don't get me completely wrong, though. I comfortably watched it the whole way through in one sitting, kind of got into it, but then felt kind of empty when the film was over. I think it got a little heavy-handed and preachy about the whole "Ooooo, it's a story in a story, and YOU'RE part of the NeverEnding story!" thing. I mean, really, I think this is the kiddie equivalent to David Lynch's adaptation of Frank Herbert's Dune. Came out the same year, incidentally. And Dune had a soundtrack by Toto. Point to Dune.

DJ: Just in case any of you readers skipped childhood (like Dustin, apparently) and never saw this, The NeverEnding Story is about a whiney lil' pussyboy named Bastian who gets picked on because he's a whiney lil’ pussyboy. One day, he ducks into a bookstore, and the creepy owner hips him to a book called, oddly enough, The NeverEnding Story. He tells Bastian it's too dangerous to read or some shit, but Bastian uses the five fingered discount and runs off to get his read on. What at first seems like a mythical lil' adventure through a fantastical world called Fantasia with an androgynous boy warrior named Atreyu trying to save everyone from a fucked up force called "The nothing" takes a turn for the meta that Dustin referred to earlier when, get this, Bastian reading the book is part of the book!!!! (Was that longest run-on ever?) My mind is blown... Dustin, can you maybe do a little more synopsizing as I fan myself?

Dustin: Okay the plot of Bastian's "NeverEnding Story" is this: The aforementioned boy warrior Atreyu (whose name would later be co-opted by a shitty band) has to go on a quest to save the world of Fantasia from "The Nothing," which basically looks like a big hurricane, that is destroying it. During the course of his adventures, Atreyu seems to really get nothing out of it besides losing his best friend (his horse) and getting a new one (Falkor, the giant white "Luck Dragon" which is the real endearing image from this film). As Bastian reads Atreyu's adventure, he becomes increasingly emotionally involved in the story, which causes him to dramatically overact. Okay, I'm getting bitter again; you pick it back up.

DJ: Well, anyway, Bastian has to become the "hero," even though the even more girlie Atreyu does all the work. He's fucking fighting monsters, mucking about in swamps, going toe-to-toe with giant rock puppets -- it's rough shit, man. But, in the end, it's all about the imagination of a child. That's me getting a little mushy for a moment. Not that I thought of this as a kid (more concerned with fighting and the dog-looking Falkor dragon with his weird, bumpy back and all that shit), but this story is about how important it is for kids to not lose their imaginations. I think. It does get dangerous, but the bottom line is, Bastian has to stop being a pussy and going, "This is crazy! I should stop reading!" and just get into shit and name Fantasia’s "Childlike Empress" to stop that Nothing fucker. Happiness, horses coming back from the dead, shitty music, and dragon rides ensue. And that's only part of the story... because, you know, it's never ending.

Dustin: You did remarkably well with that.

DJ: Considering my tenuous grasp on the English language?

Dustin: Major Dad gives you a 21-gun salute.

DJ: At ease! So, you let the cat out of the bag a 100 years ago when we first started babbling about this flick. You didn't dig on it. What up?

Dustin: Perhaps I am filled with my own personal version of "The Nothing?" No, that can't be it, because I still like kittens and puppies and plenty of other kiddie fare.

DJ: Dude, I'm so the Nothing, it's something. Maybe this is another one of those MANY cases where oldish movies just don't translate if you see them for the first time as an adult two decades after you should’ve seen them as a kid. I blame the parents.

Dustin: Dude, I don't know... it really just didn't resonate with me at all. Probably why I never saw it as a child, or if I did, I didn't glom onto it.

DJ: Dude, do you mean to tell me you made some decision not to watch it as a kid? Monsters? Dragons? Swords? Androgyny? It's right up your alley!

Dustin: But see, to go back to The Dark Crystal again -- that movie's hella weirder than this, and I dig it to pieces!

DJ: What really struck me is how this movie can be all over the place. It's not consistently creepy like your beloved Dark Crystal. One minute it's all kiddy, the next it's actually pretty scary and violent, the next it has horrible pop music and extreme homoerotic undertones, shit-- overtones. Or maybe that's just me.

Dustin: I'm not sure why it slipped by me... although I didn't see Flight of the Navigator until I was older as well, and I didn't really go for that much either. But I DID see The Cat from Outer Space and liked that as a kid. I don't know what the hell to make of it. I think I'm just typing the names of movies at this point.

DJ: That's what it's seeming like to me.

Dustin: The Last Starfighter.

DJ: Focus! FOCUS!

Dustin: The Explorers.

DJ: …

Dustin: Big Trouble in Little China?

DJ: Anyway, The NeverEnding Story had GREAT effects for its time, TONS of imagination and adventure... yet it's boring in spots. And apparently author Michael Ende didn't dig on it, either, and had his name removed from the opening credits. Finding that out makes me want to read the book. It seems the movie ends in the middle of the book, so there’s loads more story (that maybe was used in the horrendous sequels, I don’t know). Oh, and Atreyu was green in the book, too. Hm... maybe I should track that down. It's probably near my reading level.

Dustin: That might not be a bad idea. See, this could just be one of those extremely unfortunate adaptations of a really good book. You know, like The Lord of the Rings.

DJ: Er... WHAT? I can't get through Tolkien's dry as fuck prose style, but I loves me them damn movies. Are you just trying to get a rise out of me, Grovemiller?

Dustin: Yes, I'm totally fucking with you. Those are the best movies EVER. Seriously.

DJ: Whew.

Dustin: I think Wolfgang Petersen should have chosen a different novel to adapt into his first English-language film. Something like Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.

DJ: Is there a dragon in that?

Dustin: I don't know. He certainly could've put one in. I think the only other thing that I could possibly comment on with this film -- okay, there's two, now that I think about it... The first is Atreyu should've been played by young Wil Wheaton. The second is that the sphinx statues that Atreyu comes across during his quest have really huge, shapely breasts, and there's no way that’d make it into a children's film in this day and age.

DJ: Jesus... young Wheaton is the only kid more girlie than Noah Hathaway (the dude/girl who did play Atreyu).

Dustin: Not going to comment on the beast thing? You make me sad -- at the very least, you could've segued back to talking about Erin Gray and brought the column to a close.

DJ: Do over! Okay...

Dustin: Go for it.

DJ: Jesus... young Wheaton is the only kid more girlie than Noah Hathaway (the dude/girl who did play Atreyu). The one kid actor of the day who would've properly appreciated them sphinx boobies? ... Corey Feldman.

Dustin: It's in the hole! Fine use of your mulligan, there.

DJ: So, how many sphinx breasts out of five would you give The NeverEnding Story?

Dustin: Two breasts. Just the way I like it.

DJ: I'll give it three. Just the way you REALLY like it.

Dustin: Total Recall.