I bought my neighbor a nice set of massage oils for Christmas. You see, my neighbor, Loren, is a hot, young female that doesn't seem to have a boyfriend as far as I can tell. So, I bought this particular gift in the hopes that she would want me to use them on her or vice versa. I considered at first giving her a box of condoms, but that would’ve been a wee bit forward.

I slapped myself in the face a few times before striking up the nerve to go over there and give it to her. She answered the door with an expectant, annoyed look, and I told her why I was there. I handed her the carefully wrapped gift, and she rejected it. It was a polite rejection, but a rejection nonetheless. This was on the grounds that she did not celebrate Christmas due to her being something called “Jewish.” I was stunned.

I did some research and apparently Loren is not alone. There is a whole mess of these people that doesn’t recognize my main man, Jesus, as their savior. They follow this thing they call “Judaism” as if Christianity wasn't good enough. Jeez! And guess what? They’re still waiting around for the messiah. I am not making this up! They speak their own language, wear special hats, avoid eating pork, and instead of the holiest of days, they have some holiday called “Hanukah.” Lame.

You might have seen one stomp on a glass and got pissed they were ruining a fine container for your drink of choice, right? I'll bet you didn't know that this is a ritual for them not just a messy activity. They started this whole circumcision thing, so I think they think that foreskin is the devil's work or something like that.
Well, I have a message for all you “Jewish” folks; Jesus is it. Jesus is the man! Let me begin my case by presenting a little piece of evidence called the immaculate conception. If someone is powerful enough (as a sperm no less) to teleport into Mary’s lovely womb and start the birth process, then you should probably follow him to Kingdom Come.

Look, the messiah does special things; that's how you can tell who's a messiah and who's just a drunk dude spouting nonsense. And who did more special things than one Mr. Jesus Christ? Take, for example, the fact that this man who was born in the Middle East came out looking like a Phish-following hippie from Berkeley.

A man comes around with magic powers, and you better let him into your heart. If someone’s father has the reputation of J.C.’s, you give him your prayers. If someone is killed and buried in a cave and somehow comes back to life and still has the energy to save your sorry ass, then that’s the man who should be the center of your religion.

Come on, I mean, if he’s not the messiah, than who could it be? What would they have to do to convince you? Lift a car with their mind? Shoot lasers out of their eyes? Possess extraordinary healing powers? Fly? Well, I’m sorry but the X-Men aren’t going to purify your sins because they aren’t real.

So, if you run into one of these "Jewish" people, tell them what I said. Give them the cold, hard truth even if they break down and cry into their matzo ball soup. They should start living right as soon as possible. Tell them to stop waiting around, accept Jesus, and tell Loren to take my Christmas present. Oh yeah, if you end up seeing her (5'7'', long black hair, a smile that cuts your heart up every time), put in a good word for me. You can add that I give really, really good massages.