3500 B.C.: The biblical Onan is born on this day. For the future sin of wasting his seed, Onan is retroactively punished by being named after himself.

1432: Pope Pius IV interrupts mass in order to fuck his enormously huge pope hat. Shocked onlookers are somewhat satisfied with his explanation that he, and I quote, "Gots me some issues. Gots me some real, real issues that I'm trying to work through here."

1537: This blacksmith guy starts hollerin', "Woo-wee, I mades me a metal foot, ya'll! Check it out! It's even got tiny little toes on it! Little toes, ya'll! Seriously!" Anyway, he's a fucking weirdo, and the townspeople stone him to death.

1771: Henry Barnes invents the first steam-powered zipper. Guess what happens next. Did you guess? Because his crotch explodes.

1963: Sex Education is introduced into the U.S. educational system when a Maryland school bus filled with second graders drives past two beagles fucking.

1992: Researchers in Sweden definitively prove that every time a bell rings an angel does not, in fact, get his wings. Instead, a barn owl gets herpes.

2006: Some fat kid on a school bus wets his pants. It's hilarious.