Much has been written about Thomas Edison, one of history's most prolific inventors. He was a genius of worldwide renown, and, for this reason, little attention has been paid to a lesser -- yet notable -- figure in his life: Fredward Edison, twin brother of Thomas. Here is a little of what we know about this obscure and enigmatic figure:

Fredward, due to a rather pronounced case of vertigo, was born at the late age of three. It is speculated that, unable to locate the "exit," he simply remained in the womb and patiently awaited a second attempt at expulsion. This finally occurred when his mother, while in attendance at a dinner party, giggled a bit too forcefully and squeezed the latent Fredward into the world. His mother? Surprised. The other party guests? More so. Physicians quickly deemed the child to be "frightfully hebetudinous" or, as his father put it, "dumber than bucket of shit." Fredward's deficits in nearly every aspect of intellectual functioning were indeed a concern to family members, who were frequently distressed by behaviors such as: his desire to keep pacifiers in his ears (and other bodily locations), his inability to distinguish hats from parakeets;, and, most troubling of all, his determination to be the equal of his gifted twin brother.

The sibling rivalry that developed was both fierce and one-sided. Fredward became increasingly competitive and desperate while Thomas, for his part, remained generally unaware of his brother's existence (often referring to Fredward as "That guy", or "Who?"). As a typical example of their relationship, family members would later recall a fifth grade science fair that the two attended: in which Thomas had won the blue ribbon after submitting an ingenious conduit that transmitted coded sounds., and his brother won the dunce cap. Fredward’s decidedly non-scientific entry was a recitation of the alphabet that he claimed would be in reverse order. Fredward started from the beginning… and then repeated the letter "A" 26 times.

Throughout adolescence and adulthood, Thomas flourished both academically and socially. He was popular, well-liked by his peers, and had little difficulty finding a suitable wife. During this same period of time, Fredward dated a total of three mops and lost his virginity to a pickle barrel. A picture of this act was, unfortunately, featured in the local paper under the headline "Local Idiot Proudly Fathers 350 Gherkins."

The pseudo-rivalry followed the brothers into their careers. Thomas Edison went on to invent, amongst other things, the phonograph, the research lab, and the light bulb. Fredward responded with: the yogurt sock, non-flammable matches, and the steam-powered hairnet. Next, Thomas invented the moving picture camera and began filming novelty acts such as boxers, jugglers, and acrobats. Fredward, seeing much potential in the device, used it to create the very first full-length motion picture, a ten-hour monstrosity called A Film of Me Filming a Film. It was universally loathed. Its stature has grown over time, however, and historians now point to it as an inspiration behind catatonia, narcolepsy, and Andy Warhol.

Little is known of Fredward's later years, as he was forced into bitter seclusion following his scandalous final invention (Inflatable Turkey-in-a-Skirt). It is perhaps fitting that a life characterized by humiliation and abject failure would end with a whimsical and amusing death: Fredward was killed by an exploding, syphilis-induced heart aneurysm. (I should point out that by "whimsical and amusing" I meant "painful and horrific." Sorry about the mix up.)