Every August it happens: EA Sports puts out their latest and greatest edition of Madden for your favorite gaming console. This is an annual event that stirs anticipation inside of me like I'm coffee and it's a coffee stirrer. But it also marks the beginning of my ritual descent into madness.

I get absolutely addicted to the game. I start calling out at work every couple of days, and my dating life gets rolled up in a rug and thrown off a river. I don’t see daylight or people. I don’t eat often or well, just keeping some Lays and kielbasa next to the couch. I sink so deep into the game, that I forget what’s real. I convince myself that I actually am the general manager of the San Diego Chargers. I try to tackle old ladies on the sidewalk -- once I even handed a cop a football and told him to run a draw play and proceeded to block for him.

My life couldn’t be this way simply due to the game being that good -- mini-games, create your own playbook, hot routes… yeah these are all great, but life altering? I think not. Sure you can escape your current humdrum reality and become a quarterback of a winning team, but I knew there was something beyond great features and realistic graphics.

So one sunless day, I took out my backup copy of Madden ’06 and snapped it in half. This is when I saw some ooze dribbling out of the disc. What was this guilty seepage covering my fingers? I didn’t know, so I sent it to my chemist friend.

Readers, before you continue on down this treacherous page, be warned -- the truth is like a big, mental enema. The contents of the goop was none other than HEROIN!

"Holy shit!" I said as I reflected on my multiple hours spent at the game. Of course it was heroin. I hungered for the game, I gave up sleep and money and poontang for it. Once when I found out someone had the ’05 version early, I had butt sex with him, and boy, was it worth it! I remember that if I went one day without playing online or the fifteenth season in franchise mode I would curl up like a roly-poly and sweat until my mouth was dry. I would convulse and curse and drift off into a dark place.

Well now I realize that it wasn’t my fault. It was a drug -- an underhanded drug disguised simply as an interactive entertainment. But how do they get the heroin from the video game to your awaiting veins? Bluetooth wireless technology, of course. Those bastards can pump anything into you as you watch the pixilated images across the screen. I found that other games had less powerful, digitized drugs in them. Resident Evil has marijuana. Tekken has whiskey. And the Harry Potter series has cough syrup. Imagine me standing naked in your living room, glistening with sweaty fear, doing my best Heston voice, “Madden football is heroin! It’s heroin!”

So to all those who are already hooked, listen to me: you need to get off the junk, really. I suggest weaning yourself off your current Madden game with stuff like Joe Montana Sports Talk Football, so when the players look a lot less real and gameplay isn’t nearly as deep, you’ll realize that you’re living a fake football life and that your real life is suffering. I know the high is…AMAZING! But, c’mon you know it’s for the best. When was the last time you showered, ate a vegetable, or saw a woman? Right. And if you don’t mind turning tricks for your next hit or that you’re withering into a Voldemort-looking creature, then just ignore me. If not, it’s time to kick the habit. Right after Madden ‘07 comes out.