Dustin: Welcome back to "Spoiler Warning," where comedy and tragedy meet, and everything is driven forward in Greek Chorus!

DJ: Greek what? I'm confused... how did I get here? Where are my flip-flops???

Greek Chorus: When last we left our brave reviewers, they left selection to the viewers. And while they'd given a choice to make, the readers’ choice was not to take.

DJ: Hrm. Uh… hrm.

Dustin: Okay, I'm thinking that chorus was in reference to the poll we posted at the bottom of our last "Spoiler" -- the one where we asked the readers to pick our next piece for review. And there were two ties that no one bothered to break, making no clear winner. So, as punishment, we threw democracy to the wind, burned the choices, and opted to review Galaxy Quest instead.

DJ: Footnoteburg is not a democracy. It's a totalitarian state run with an iron fist of rage by one Dustin Grovemiller!

Dustin: Well, I think the overarching lesson here is that we either need to point out to more of our readers that there IS a choice at the bottom, or perhaps we need to pull a Richard Gere and hire some readers that HAVE to pay attention to us. But there's no kissing.

DJ: It took me 1.5 seconds to understand your oddly placed Pretty Woman reference. I'll never understand your undying love for that movie, and if you want to review it sometime, you're on your own, chief. Meantime, what say we chat up Galaxy Quest at some point, perhaps now. Let the readers know what the shit it's about while I mix my morning martini.

Dustin: Galaxy Quest is, in essence, a bizarre homage to the life of the actors of a famous cult sci-fi show that was cancelled. Obviously, it's aping Star Trek, but there's a lot of other cultish sci-fi references tucked into the story. The actors of the show Galaxy Quest have gone nowhere with their careers post-series, save for working the many conventions and "celebrity appearances" that they are offered. Whores. But in the midst of all of this, their "Captain" -- played delightfully by Tim Allen -- is approached by REAL aliens who are under the impression that their TV show was equally real. In turn, they have faithfully recreated everything in their society, from their behavior to the fantastic spacecraft. The aliens enlist the Galaxy Quest (GQ) crew to help them fight an enemy who has all but obliterated their race. The actors are at first amazed with what they see, but they soon become helplessly entwined in the roles of actual heroes despite their intentions.

DJ: Well done, Dustin. That's an absolutely concise and apt description of the flick. Add in some "hilarious!" here and some "zany action!" there, and I think you might have a career in, um, DVD box… synopsis… blurb, uh, writing… if such a career exists.

Dustin: Oh wow... that would be just awesome. That could be my dream job.

DJ: You wouldn't even have to wear pants!

Greek Chorus: As we watched, we oft professed that this was Tim Allen at his best.

Dustin: Okay, I'm not sure what movie those guys were watching, but yeah, I guess he was still pretty good.

DJ: Dude, Tim Allen has been good, in my estimation, as exactly two characters: Buzz Lightyear and Jason Nesmith (his character from Galaxy Quest, the flick we're supposedly talking about for those not in the know)!

Dustin: Well, he's done almost nothing but produce movies since that make it appear as if Disney owns his soul. And he's not allowed to act with it.

DJ: Yeah, the warm-hearted stuff in fat or dog suits, I don’t know… Oddly, he seems best playing kind of pompous, cheesy sci-fi characters. So, what'd you think of this little tongue in cheek homage to old school, Kirk-era Star Trek?

Dustin: I thought that was very tastefully done. They copied the look perfectly, but, speaking as someone who has admittedly watched a lot of Star Trek in his time, I'd say the "series footage" actually looked a little too polished.

DJ: Yeah, that's true. I'm not sure if the fictional GQ portrayed in the movie (apparently there was actually a very little known Canadian show with the same name some years ago -- unrelated to the flick -- for you trivia buffs) was as old as original Star Trek, though. The characters are a little young for that. But, yeah, overall I'd say this movie took me by surprise. It's extremely entertaining on all levels. It's not just a kiddie flick, but there's plenty for the kids to like. It's funny, but it also has heart. And, man, it has some halfway decent excitement and action, too. More than most of the actual Star Trek movies, anyway.

Dustin: Agreed! I felt exactly the same way -- I went into it thinking that it would be a somewhat lame film, but my presupposition was totally wrong. It was enjoyable, funny, entertaining, and at times both predictable AND unpredictably dramatic. This is a case where what should've been a cheap idea actually evolved into something really quite nice, instead of the usual Hollywood ball of snot. I really can't speak highly enough of the entire acting company.

DJ: Ah, this is a good martini… nice and dry… Huh? Oh, indeed, the acting, yeah, man, I mean, Alan Rickman can't be beat. To say "By Grabthar's Hammer!" with dignity and a hint of actorly pathos in that "alien" headgear is pretty amazing. Oh, how I love the Rickman. He's perfect as GQ's Spock / Leonard Nimoy surrogate.

Dustin: Yes, by all means, the Rickman is the bomb. I enjoy him in everything I see him in. But let us also take a moment to reflect on Sigourney Weaver's character "Gwen DeMarco," who is supposed to by the token "pretty girl" who doesn't have any real function except to be a love interest, be rescued, and all her lines are comprised of repeating what the computer says. She really threw herself into that character, making it seem like there was genuinely a personal struggle to find a legitimate function amidst the crew.

DJ: She's great in this, totally the opposite of her tough-ass Ripley character from the Alien flicks -- the Anti-Ripley. And, I might add, this is the only movie I've seen her in where I didn't think, "Sigourney Weaver's a dude" during the course of it.

Dustin: Well, you get to see her in her bra towards the end, in classic campy sci-fi style. That might have something to do with it. That, and her blonde wig is quite tremendous.

DJ: I also dug the Shalhoub (as in Tony) as the stoned actor who played their genius ship engineer. His character has just tuned out when the movie begins and actually has a nice transformation during their adventure fighting aliens and the like.

Dustin: Transformation of character really is the theme of the piece -- we see it in everyone from top to bottom. All of these guys manage to evolve on some personal level, and a lot of that is most vocally pointed out in "Guy Fleegman" (played by Sam Rockwell), who was on one episode of the GQ series -- as "Crewman #6" and gets killed off. He managed to get involved with the rest of the crew on the adventure, and after surviving -- more of a surprise to him than anyone -- actually earns himself a place on "the cast."

DJ: Indeed, the Rockwell is great, especially when be-mustached. Classy. He’s great as the loud, kind of obnoxious guy.

Greek Chorus: When in need of one who loudly talks, cast the guy who would be Beeblebrox.

Dustin: Yes, that's correct. Rockwell also flamboyantly played Zaphod Beeblebrox in the film adaptation of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I'm beginning to find these Greek guys more annoying than helpful.

DJ: “Beginning”? Oopsie, out of drink…

Greek Chorus: When moving forward is imperative, we're the ones who force the narrative.

Dustin: That's it, get out. I don't care if it does mean we drift off into talking about What Not to Wear for the rest of the piece, it's just not enjoyable.

DJ: I hate that chorus. They're fired. FIRED!

Dustin: Just did that, two seconds ago there, Jeeves. Go easy on the sauce.

DJ: You ain’t m’momma! What was up with hiring a damn Greek Chorus, anyway? We don’t have the budget for that. I mean… what the “eff”?

Dustin: Yeah, that was a poor choice on my part. I take credit for that. I was trying to give the column a more "Classical" feel.

DJ: We're New Coke all the way... unfortunately. Whatever, my interest is waning. Let’s get back on track before I have to refill my drink again…

Dustin: Right. So, did you see last night's episode of What Not To Wear? I can't believe how little fashion sense some genuinely cute women have. I mean, this chick's eyebrows must have never been plucked and shaped a day in her life, actual clothes aside.

DJ: I don't have cable, but I'm all about fashion. My socks always match my shirts.

Dustin: I don't think the sock/shirt thing is legitimate.

DJ: The hell you say!

Dustin: It's the same thing as belt and shoes...

DJ: Wait... wait... Why do I have cheats scribbled on my hand about some movie called Galaxy Quest? I'm seeing double here... made that last martini too strong, maybe.

Dustin: Oh, that? Yeah, we were talking about it for this update’s “Spoiler Warning.”

DJ: Is there a track for us to get back on, or are we doomed?

Dustin: I think we kind of agreed that we liked it a lot and that people should watch it or something.

DJ: Right, right. And they're uniforms/costumes were swell, too, speaking of fashion, and Tim Allen’s mullet ruled in the old clips from the Galaxy Quest TV show absolutely ruled. Space mullets from the future and polyester uniforms! Fabulous! I love fashion!

Dustin: If you love it so much, why on earth DO you hate Pretty Woman? She's all like "I'm going shopping on Rodeo Drive," and Hector Elizando approves of it. You see lots of great late 80s fashion in that piece.

DJ: Mmm… oh, there you are, mister olive…

Dustin: Goddamn it, what WERE we talking about?

DJ: It’s on the tip of my brain… booze… no… pants… no… Oh! Galaxy Quest! Swell flick full of sly satire, unexpected heart, soaring space adventure, smile inducing comedy, and interesting, fun characters (both alien and human) that go through believable and entertaining arches that make you care about them -- well worth the $5.99 it probably costs on DVD at this point. What say you rate it, bitch? RATE IT!

Dustin: I kind of want to go shopping now, though. What say we blow this "rating" shit off and cut out for the rest of the afternoon. We can go and see the softer side of Sears.

DJ: Okay, that's cool. I need a new pair of capri pants, anyway.