Can you believe some folks still fall for that cockamamie theory that Darwin cooked up all those years ago? People coming from monkeys? Unbelievable! And where exactly did monkeys come from, then -- amphibious four-legged creatures that climbed out of the primordial ooze? Yeah, and I ate a No. 2 pencil with lox for breakfast.

Of course, I knew the “scientists” were wrong -- but how to prove it? They had books upon books about natural selection, mutation and other bullshit. I just had my unwavering faith in God’s work. As Ol’ Dirty Bastard once said, “God made Dirt and Dirt bust your ass!” Well you know what? God made me too, and you, and you, and you. You better believe it.

The thing that troubled me the most about this evolution nonsense was that if monkeys “evolved” into humans, then why are there still monkeys here now? DUH! This is because human beings are God’s creatures and monkeys are merely dim-witted beasts of burden. I look in Chim Chim’s eyes, and I certainly don’t see the resemblance.

So I went on an investigation to disprove the kooks and the crazies -- If I could show them the proof, they’d convert. Then the schools would throw out that dinosaur / ice age junk and start teaching classes about Adam and Eve, our true ancestors. I’d bring back notes and diagrams that were undeniable. They’d grovel at my shoes, begging me to forgive them for their incompetence. I’d consider it.

My investigation led me to South America. Reportedly both humans and monkeys lived there. I soon found out that this was true. I took plenty of pictures to show those know-it-alls that here were several species of monkeys that never did turn into people and they never would. They would continue to live their berry-picking, tree-climbing, non-literature / concerto writing lives.

The next phase of my plan came to me in a hazy dream. I fell asleep in my tent, dizzy from spraying too much insect repellent. I saw a spider monkey nibbling a nut, and it came to me -- I was to inseminate one of these animals. I was to try my hand at evolution. When they birthed out the baby, it wouldn’t be human at all. Then I’d take home the little freak of nature and breed it countless times for countless man-made generations. And I was absolutely certain what would come out. Monkeys and monkeys and never, not even once, would a person pop out of a monkey womb.

It sounded simple enough, but then, when that baby came out, I fell in love. I had mated with a spider monkey (an Ateles Paniscus) in a hurried, non-pleasurable fashion so it wouldn’t really count, you know? And a few months later, a hairy, shriveled lump came out of her with the cutest set of eyes I’ve ever seen. I took him in my arms and bawled like a baby. I named him Ko-Joe, sort of a half-human / half-monkey name. However, when I tried to leave with Ko-Joe in tow, the mother howled at me and actually started biting my leg. I forced the animal back with a swift kick to the jaw. Then Ko-Joe and I were off! After a sprint through the jungle and a misunderstanding with a cab driver, I was on a plane back to the good ol’ U.S. of A. I snuck him past customs in my carry-on, pretending he was simply a sock monkey toy. Nobody was the wiser.

At home he slurped up bottles of milk like he hadn’t had any fluids during the entire gestation period. He cried at all hours of the night. I could never really sleep well knowing that my little pumpkin could start yelling as soon as I closed my eyes. His dumps smelled in this piercing way, like sharp dung arrows flying into my nose. But he was so precious! The other day he wrapped his little paw around my finger, and I almost melted. I made him a crib out of an old refrigerator box, and he plays in there with a plastic banana.

Everything is going well right now. The nanny is from Guatemala, so she knows a thing or two about primates, you know? Me and Ko-Joe get along great, and I can provide a life for him he could never get by living out in the freaking rainforest. But what I wonder is what will happen once he gets to be school-going age? Will he learn English, or monkey jibber-jabber, or both? Should I treat him like a person and send him to kindergarten or should I treat him like a monkey and build termite hills and tire swings for him to play in? I’ll figure it out, I’m sure.

I haven’t yet found my proof to tackle the evolution nuts -- but my heart knows what is true, and I’ll listen to my heart over a textbook any day. I did learn a lot during my experience, though, and although I can’t say whether or not Ko-Joe is a missing link, an ugly human, or simply non-human, I can say for damned sure that he is my son.