If I had a Giant Robot, I'd feed, water, and walk him every day. I'm responsible, I promise!

If I had a Giant Robot, I think I'd dress him up as a bum for Halloween, right down to the bindle over his shoulder. At the very least, I'd be able to spend the day calling him "Giant Hobo."

If I had a Giant Robot, I think it would be nice to try and find him a giant house somewhere in Hollywood Hills. He could help offset the expensive rent by letting KITT from Knight Rider live in the garage.

If I had a Giant Robot, I would have him spend one Saturday a month doing community service. By this, I mean I would lend him to old men to chase the damn kids off their lawns.

You know, the more that I'm thinking about this house in Hollywood Hills, I wonder if I could hire Advance Auto Parts to do the interior design. It wouldn't be that aesthetically pleasing, of course, but I doubt my Giant Robot would be into anything but functionality.

If I had a Giant Robot, I'd find a way to get Steve Martin to teach him how to play the banjo.

If I had a Giant Robot, he'd be way funnier than Jay Leno. But then again, what animate object isn't?

Okay, even my Giant Robot would think that The Simpsons has gotten really lame. And we'd be talking about a Giant Robot that has never stopped enjoying Saturday Night Live.

You know, if a Giant Robot were capable of getting an erection, would it still be appropriate to say that he "had wood"? Probably not. I'd think that my Giant Robot would be made out of titanium.

If I had a Giant Robot, I think his best impression would be quoting Steve Carell lines from Anchorman. Shit yes, Giant Robot would like to invite you to the pants party.

One has to wonder if the Hollywood Hills neighborhood association would not welcome my Giant Robot. I suppose you need to weigh the cosmetic damage he might cause if were to go on a rampage versus the benefit of having a Giant Robot on your neighborhood watch. The other deal breaker might be if Tom Cruise lived there. Not that Tom would necessarily object to my Giant Robot, but I'm pretty sure my Giant Robot would object to living near Tom Cruise. Especially if Tom Cruise tried to use my Giant Robot as an antenna to contact the mothership, or whatever the hell it is that he's supposed to be crazy for these days. I can't keep track at this point, frankly. I think that American society only latched onto that trainwreck because Michael Jackson's crazy ass moved to Bahrain and we've just got to have our Hollywood Sideshow. You know, screw it. My Giant Robot would live in Utah. There's lots of decent, normal people living there.