| I’ve been hearing some rumblings about a certain “magic” happening in a certain “place.” And of course I was going to give the old college try to solve this mystery. This "magic" information has been leaked by several celebrity sources, especially on shows like MTV Cribs that airs frequently on the MTV channel. When invited into a famous or sort of famous person’s “Crib” (this is slang for "house," not an actual baby’s crib, silly) often we see a plethora of excess. We are taken to multi-car garages, exquisite kitchens with Master Chefs inside, indoor lakes, hovering bowling lanes, etc. Then we enter the bedroom. Now whether it is Tommy Lee, Tommy “Hitman” Hearns, or Tommy Two-Chins, they all say the same thing.
“This is where the magic happens.”
They may even point to the bed and smirk. Then they leave, acting as if this revelation was meaningless. Magic? In this world? This is by no means a casual thing. Only in our fantasies do we see magic, in "Harry Potter" books, or perhaps in role-playing games if you choose to play a sorcerer. Not only were these celebrities wealthy and possessing lavish homes, they also had the key to some fantastical happenings. And I was going to discover it for us everyday folk.
Now the mystery lay in two central questions. What is this “magic?” And where exactly does it "happen"? After exhaustive research I discovered the answer to both. I figured that this supernatural occurrence happened somewhere in the area of the bed. After all this is where the men would often point. So I camped out in a regular everyday hotel bedroom, making sure to stick near the bed during my entire stay. I ordered some room service, watched some CNN and flipped through the complimentary bible. Nothing happened for hours, unless you count the persistent suggestions from my intestines that I should empty out some waste matter. I ignored this. If some magic was going to be going down (this means "happening") then I wasn’t about to miss it during some trip to the toilet. No sir. I’m here for you, the reader!
I was there for nearly two days, just waiting for some spells or incantations, summonings, curses, some frigging magic. I tried saying “abracadabra” and “shazam!” but the bedroom produced nothing. I was beginning to consider if I was willing to die for this story, if I would just stay on these unwashed sheets until my bowels exploded just so I can relay the truth to my dear readers. My life or the truth? An incredible quandary. But you’ll be happy to know that no such decision had to be made.
This is because it came. I fell asleep with all my clothes on and a ten-dollar ham sandwich in my hands. And once my eyes were closed the magic came. The magic the celebrities were referring to isn’t an exclusive experience for the rich and famous. Any of us Muggles can participate in this type of magic. The magic that happens in the bedroom. Dreams! Once hitting R.E.M. sleep I left the world of normalcy and entered a delightful and fantastic place where anything can happen. I started off operating a flying patch of drywall over the markets of Saudi Arabia. (Or at least what I imagine Saudi Arabia to look like.) Then I was making love to my beautiful, but "too close in genetic material" cousin which I could never do in real life. Finally the spells being spun in my head led me to be transformed into a giant dog.
I woke up feeling changed by the experience. Our lives are so often mundane, but with some persistence, some imagination, and a bed, the “magic” can happen for you, too.
Signing off, your dedicated truth giver.
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