| I know that traditionally one must be a dead firebrand agitator or a just as dead (but more philosophical) cogitator in order to have a manifesto, but I hereby decree that the following is my Manifesto wherein shall be delineated the framework of the future Empire of Fumi’iki. I, being Sovereign and Founder of the Realm, do herein enumerate the several Wonders and myriad Freedoms of Fumi’iki. The Realm of Fumi’iki is the island imperial seat of the Archipelago Empire of Fumi’iki, wherein the citizenry is limited to those invited by myself, the Empress, or those visitors introduced by one of my worthy and honorable Ministers or those of Ministerial Level Valor and Degree.
Warning: the following discussion of the naming of the Realm of Fumi’iki and its constituent Principalities and Duchies may contain strong language -- unsuitable for those whom I would not invite to the Realm anyway, so there…
The naming of an Island Empire is not something upon which one embarks lightly, and I considered carefully when dubbing my Empire and Home Island, Fumi’iki. The privileged Members of my Court are quite inured to my uttering, “Fuck me if I know” in response to a query posited by a Citizen or Supplicant within my Presence. This expression is the origin of "Fumi’iki" and should aid in understanding the naming conventions of the Empire and Realm: The Island of Fee (Fuck Everyone Else) is the home of the Defense Minister and Defender of All That is Sacred (DOATS); the Island Estate of Fass Hatays (Fucking Ass-hats) is overseen by the Marquis and Marquise of said land grant; the Island of Fia (Fuck It All) is the concern of the Sailing Fleet of the Dread Pirate of the Realm. All other Islands of the Archipelago Empire shall be named in accordance with conventions specified by and pending Approval from the Sovereign.
The exact location of the Archipelago Empire of Fumi’iki is currently up for debate, and I, the Founder, remain in consultation with my current Cabinet of Advisors and Ministers. We are leaning toward a Caribbean locale as it affords greater opportunity for expansion of the Empire than the islands of the South Pacific or Mediterranean, but until the official declaration of the Establishment of Fumi’iki, we reserve the right to occlude or amend its location based on threats to Imperial security.
Since Fumi’iki as yet occupies no Tangible Geographic Space, several fore-running Principalities and Duchies of the Archipelago Empire are currently in existence and serve the purpose of housing organizational mass demonstrations of the faithful of Fumi’iki; the “Counting” is permitted to take place in any of said Territories for the purpose of auditing and emending the Citizenry Promised to Fumi’iki. Extant are: Kashmir (A Classic Rock Song/War Zone/Really Nice Fabric), The Palace and The Compound; said Territories are under administration of a fully Accredited Plenipotentiary of the Realm.
As indicated, the Citizenry of the Empire and, more specifically, the Realm are limited to those invited by myself or by those of my Ministers and Officials invested with the power to introduce visitors. The mission of the Empire upon the matter of population is that it shall be kept at a minimum, that no progeny be born upon the Island Seat (such stipulations are the Prerogative of the Official presiding over each Island of the Archipelago Empire), nor shall any person under the age of 16 be introduced into the presence of the Empress (lest that Childe be Roasted for Holiday Feasting).
The Cabinet of Ministers and Persons of Ministerial Level Valor and Degree (PMLVDs) is a solely advisory entity. The Ministers’ only collective role is to look good and keep the Empress entertained, and the Sovereign may make Cabinet-level appointments at any time she sees fit. The Standing Ministers/PMLVDs are as follows:
The DOATS, residing principally on Fee, maintains oversight of any Defense-related matters of the Archipelago Empire and may undertake decisions and actions based on Imperial Security. The DOATS may inform the Sovereign of any such activity at his earliest convenience, if he so chooses. In addition, the DOATS is the sole Entity (besides the Empress) permitted use of the Empire’s most potent weapon – the “Sod-off Shotgun” – which shall, therefore, reside in the Possession of said Personage. The Dread Pirate of the Realm, based primarily on and around Fia, is to maintain the Sailing Fleet in consultation with the Empress and the DOATS for both offensive and defensive maneuvers; however, in "peace-time" the Dread Pirate may dispose of the Sailing Fleet in any manner she sees fit, up to and including invasion of neighboring Empires, piracy of vessels afloat, and rifling and pillaging her weasly black guts out. The Dread Pirate is required to exercise the peripheral Duty of Executive Chef of the Realm during any hiatuses from responsibilities upon the Bounding Main.
The Dirty Doctor and Naughty Nurse shall principally be quartered on the island seat of Fumi’iki but may circulate freely and as deemed necessary among all Liege Entities of the Archipelago Empire in the interest of maintaining the Health (in all its Several Facets) of the populace of the Empire and Realm. The afore-mentioned Double D and NN will be required to work in consultation with the Minister of Finances as overspending may require medical attention. The currency of the Archipelago Empire of Fumi’iki is beer, and, as such, the Minister of Finances is charged with maintaining the Treasury -- principally constituted by kegs, cases and barrels of beer and other fermented potations. Said Minister may undertake quality control of the Treasury and should daily present a selection of the currency for the Empress’s approval.
The Elder Statesman holds the coveted position and duties pursuant to Head Cabana Boy and may be required to attend the Empress -- if he so chooses. As Elder, he shall serve as Chief of Staff and remind the Empress of any Appointments to Hero or Minister while maintaining all paperwork pursuant to usage of Free Kills; the Elder shall also man the grill at any functions where meat is being cooked over a fire. The position of Minister of Disinformation is necessarily vague. Apparently, said Minister will fulfill any duties pursuant to what no one should know about Fumi’iki… or should they? We, the Empress, are not entirely certain that the position of Minister of Disinformation is not a figment of her Deranged Imagination.
Any citizen of the Empire of Fumi’iki may be raised to Hero of the Realm based upon the esteem of the Sovereign. The Rights and Privileges pursuant to such award include: the proclamation by the Empress, in an imperious voice, of the investiture of said Citizen as a Hero of the Realm and the healthy raising of Elbows in toasts to said Hero’s continued Health and Enjoyment of the Empire. Heroes of the Realm do not constitute Parties of the Cabinet of Ministers or PMLVDs.
The Sovereign really cannot be bothered with legislation and, instead, rules by Decree; all Fully Accredited Plenipotentiary Officials on liege Islands may legislate as seen fit though said Laws may be abrogated by the Empress, also by Decree. There is one Basic Law, by which all citizens of the Archipelago Empire of Fumi’iki must adhere -- One Free Kill. Adjudication and Certification of the Legality of any Kill is within the Sovereign’s purview.
A final caveat from the Sovereign: should any be so Gullible to take this Manifesto in earnest, please be advised to seek psychological Council immediately. Any who participate in the Negotiations and Consultations as to the Citizenry, Governance or Physical Situation of the Archipelago Empire of Fumi’iki may rest assured that their Identities are protected under a super-secret Section of the Code of Ethics of Self-Proclaimed Imperial Heads, Crowned and Un-Crowned. Vive le Fumi’iki!
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