| There is one useful thing that I recall from the prescribed series of Economics courses through which I slept as an undergraduate: world economic systems can all be illustrated using pizza and beer. Unfortunately, none of our Econ texts came out of the great publishing houses of Ursa Minor; therefore, everything gleaned from them is utterly useless in today’s economy, and not one of them had a cheery warning on the cover. “Don’t Panic” would have come in handy as I tried blearily at 8:00 AM to fathom the nuances that set each nation’s economy apart from all the others.
Now, a fair but not awe-inspiring number of years removed from those exercises in futility (not comprehending market systems, but rather consuming enough caffeine for 2.5 hours of Econ), what I can tell you in regards to your relationship to the global economy is this: Resistance is useless. Find yourself a tolerably reliable source of pizza, and pick an array of palatable beers; estimate how much of your paycheck will go to them and then blow the rest on trips to exotic locales… you, alone, can have no other effect on the economy. At the same time, as per Ford Prefect’s advice, you should maintain a good-sized, good-quality bath towel. Following this purchase, forever after, as long as you have pizza and beer, always know where your towel is. (You can wrap it around your head when you meet ravenous collectors, and they’ll think that if you can’t see them, then they can’t see you.)
You’re wondering, I shouldn’t doubt, at my reasons for so shamelessly juxtaposing Douglas Adams (the genius) with a not-all-together cogent discussion of economics (avoid if at all possible). My reasons are simply this: of the two things I discovered as an under-graduate which have surprised me with their usefulness, The Hitchhiker’s Guide is rivaled only by my being able to look someone in the face and explain to him/her exactly why all of the generalized problems of the world boil down to economics on a greater or lesser scale. Everything else I learned there at Crapital University was supposed to be practical… or at least practical for getting me into grad-school; neither Econ nor rampantly witty sci-fi should have proven as marketable to a Francophile than, say, viticulture, how to surrender stylishly, or German film-making. Second, I really do think that a certain few of Douglas Adams’ creatures have alit on Earth and are now affecting the global economic structure.
I shall herewith explain how the late Mr. Adams’s creation may be integrated seamlessly into macro-/micro-economics if you have the patience to first permit me a tiny digression based on an actual workplace occurrence.
Our (mine and my co-workers) job consists of monitoring the world. Yes, the entire world -- and not for any one specific event, person, or technology, but for all of them. Our ideological pendulums swing from militant conservative (poor fucker who has to live and work with me) to the bleeding heart liberal who sits opposite my desk, all the way to the “what’s an ideology?” nihilist whose Tourettic outbursts are the only reminder to us that he is, indeed, at work. The two things upon which we all agree: one, a day with huge, exciting news events is better than a day when no one pisses anyone else off; two, you can’t be President (of the universe) with a whole brain.
Our work-place conversations tend to go a little something like this: journalist, shot for writing, leak, hung for treason, terrorist, drawn and quartered, success, justification, famine, money, humanity, sheep, religion, excuses, tolerance, radicals, run-through, marginalization, cows, ignorance, self-sufficiency, self-reliance, leadership, rhetoric, outlawed, certifiable, decomposing stylishly. A typical day for us is, at best, something of a farce, but, without death, war, terror and blood, we would not have jobs.
There is, though, one thing that distresses us. Zaphod Beeblebrox really does seem to be in power here on Earth (sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha), or at least his “not-so-presidential” characteristics escaped from Humma Kavula and are now running a not-so-small oil-rich Middle Eastern nation where he is not-so-quietly trying to acquire modern nuclear technology. I have no trouble imagining Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad saying, “If Allah has placed anything more important than my ego on this planet, I want it caught and shot right now, in the name of the Prophet, may peace be upon him. C’mon, hey!”
We all may mock his slight (note the mastery of understatement) mania as a joke on a daily basis, but let’s consider what effect Zaphod Ahmedinejad could have on the global -- and your own -- economic standing, shall we?
This man outlawed Western music from Bach to the Eagles, asked for Israel to be moved to Alaska, and has admitted to being “bathed in a celestial green light” while speaking at the UN. Now, I am skeptic enough to suspect that “civilian energy” is not the main intent of a nation that can export oil and doesn’t seem to be overly populated with environmental types. What this means for you is this: if Zaphod Ahmedinejad is able to adapt his “Brandenburg Concerto” and “Hotel California”-less country to nuclear fuel, he can export his oil to everyone else; if we all have more oil, beer and pizza can be transported further and faster for a time, but with greater use comes greater dependence. When suddenly the Green Light tells him to stop selling oil, are your pizza and beer connections still viable, or are you left holding only your towel?
Now, don’t you dare panic!
Our course of action must be as follows. We look at Zaphod Ahmedinejad as an amusing sideshow that, a propos, diverts the world’s attention from what is really going on. We also, as people who always know where our towels are, wrap terry cloth around our eyes, leaving Mahmoud Beeblebrox to believe he can’t see us and, therefore, can neither set off an economic chain reaction nor find Alaska in order to move the Jews there. Finally, we content ourselves with pizza and beer (which I dare say one cannot enjoy in Tehran) and any monies left are just for play. In reality, that’s all the economy is anyway, right? People just take it too seriously and don’t, obviously, listen when the Green Light speaks.
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