March 6, 2006

Ten of my uncovered troubling Tyra Mails appeared over at McSweeney’s a while back, but I’d submitted thirteen… and then upon looking at my notes, I had nine more that, well, I’d done forgotten to even submit! What the hell? I know. So here, for your reading pleasure are a dozen of what you could think of as the “Troubling Tyra Mails” deleted scenes… not “left overs” or something derogatory… No, no—uh… this is some Special Edition, alternate take shit that’d be on the second disc of the fuckin’ Criterion Edition… or something. I’ve had a lot of coffee… --d.j.

To become America’s Next Top Model, you must know how to handle your coke without degrading yourself in the eyes of the general public. Be ready to hit the slopes by sunrise. –Tyra

Too excited to sit? Good, because tomorrow anal bleaching begins, and it smarts. Be drunk before 5:00 AM. – Tyra

Ever had the living hell kicked out of you by a drunken midget wielding a discarded fake breast from one of Janice Dickenson’s cosmetic surgeries gone tragically, tragically wrong? Don’t even go to sleep tonight. – Tyra

Why don’t any of you leave me little letters once in a while? Maybe you don’t deserve my Tyra Mails. –Tyra

Think you have what it takes to be a modeling diva? Find out tomorrow when third cycle winner Eva takes each of you on at once in a wrestling match—Strictly Greco/Roman. All upper body strength, torso shit. Best stretch out before 8:00 AM tomorrow. – Tyra

Guns don’t kill people. People kill people. Be ready at 9:00 AM on the dot. – Tyra

The only way to get the supplies you need for this competition is to visit Diagon Alley. Hagrid will pick you up tomorrow at 7:00 AM. – Tyra

Think you have what it takes to become America’s Next Top Model? Not if you can’t perform an emergency spinal tap. Be ready to scrub in dark and early at 0500. – Tyra

Pigs can’t sweat. That’s why they roll around in mud. Up and at ‘em 7:00 AM sharp. –Tyra

Thus far, mere science has yet to find a cure for the common cold. Can you to better? Tomorrow! 8:13AM! – Tyra

True supermodels can smell fear. It stinks vaguely of cabbage. Better wear lots of perfume. Tomorrow, 10:00AM – Tyra

Cats can lick their own assholes. Do you have what it takes to be America’s Next Top Model? You’ll meet with the judges tomorrow at noon. – Tyra

Your browser will occasionally need the Flash plug-in to properly display some contents of this site.

Articles will probably contain profanity, because we're all pretty rude. Please use discretion if you're easily offended.

All materials published in "the footnote" are the property of their respective authors (unless otherwise noted) and are published with their consent. All other material is Copyright 2005 by "the footnote."